IF ( stomach = empty ) THEN ( run action: cry ) IF ( stomach = full ) THEN ( run action: poop ) IF ( diaper = poopy ) THEN ( run action: cry )
It always happens the same way. I’m minding my business when, suddenly, a shout: “Look! It’s Tim Roth!!!” No. For once and for all, no. I am not Tim Roth. I am Senator Mitch McConnell.
Check out my humor piece on Splitsider!
I’m not crying. These aren’t tears. Just rivulets of human sweat relentlessly coursing down my face.
I can tell by your look of shock and horror that you’re alarmed. Please don’t be. These torrents of perspiration are normal for me. Until I get somewhere below 65 degrees, my colossal sweat glands will continue to spew forth still more of their hot, salty discharge, leaving my hair, collar, tie, etc. (but mostly my face) awash in sweat.
I wrote this for the Bygone Bureau. It’s mostly true.
Most Common Reactions to Wordle Word Clouds, in plain text
CitiBike or Death Race? A Quiz between New York’s Bicycle Sharing Program and the Gladiatorial Vehicular Killscape of the Post-Apocalyptic Death Race Films.
My eight-month-old becomes self-aware.
MAN OF STEEL DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER REBOOTS…
A sequel to Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel was just announced at Comic-Con, despite the fact that fans and critics called his Superman reboot grim, violent, and antithetical to the character.
Which got me thinking… how would Zack Snyder reboot other popular franchises?
5 Signs You’re Not a Great Driver
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The exhausted father begins to drift off into the peaceful bliss of sleep after hours of dirty diapers and tummy time…
Wait. Does my baby have a hat?
She was wearing the one we stole from the birthing center, right? The gauche nylon number, not the hemp Yo Gabba Gabba bonnet that makes her scream.
Yes. I remember taking it off the reclaimed birch wood diaper caddy.
He forces his eyes closed, nestling deeper into his alpaca throw…
But did I? Son of a bitch.
I wrote this funny thing for The Bygone Bureau. The baby stuff is autobiographical; the expensive yuppie stuff isn’t.