That time I googled myself.

That time I googled myself.

My (Fake) Live Tweets of the House of Cards Season 2 Finale

thepit-nyc:

Come see two of the PIT’s longest-running house improv teams! It’s BBC + The Baldwins this Saturday at 8pm!

Two of The PIT’s longest-running house teams, Big Black Car and The Baldwins, bring their trademark long-form improv to the mainstage.

Big Black Car is Justin Akin, Scott Eckert, Dion Flynn, Chris Grace, Yang Miller, Nate Starkey and Ashley Ward.

The Baldwins is Brigid Boyle, Kevin Cragg, Meg Griffiths, Chris Griggs, Rich Hollman, Sarah Nowak, Pat Shepherd and Micah Sherman.

(via thepitnyc)

Every Newborn’s Pre-Installed Boot Software

IF   ( stomach = empty )
THEN ( run action: cry )

IF   ( stomach = full )
THEN ( run action: poop )

IF   ( diaper = poopy )
THEN ( run action: cry )
11 months ago - 1

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) On Being Repeatedly Mistaken for Actor Tim Roth

Check out my humor piece on Splitsider!

11 months ago - 3

I Should Explain: I Sweat Profusely From My Face

I’m not crying. These aren’t tears. Just rivulets of human sweat relentlessly coursing down my face.

I can tell by your look of shock and horror that you’re alarmed. Please don’t be. These torrents of perspiration are normal for me. Until I get somewhere below 65 degrees, my colossal sweat glands will continue to spew forth still more of their hot, salty discharge, leaving my hair, collar, tie, etc. (but mostly my face) awash in sweat.

I wrote this for the Bygone Bureau. It’s mostly true.

1 year ago - 2

Most Common Reactions to Wordle Word Clouds, in plain text

CitiBike or Death Race? A Quiz between New York’s Bicycle Sharing Program and the Gladiatorial Vehicular Killscape of the Post-Apocalyptic Death Race Films.

My eight-month-old becomes self-aware.

MAN OF STEEL DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER REBOOTS…

A sequel to Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel was just announced at Comic-Con, despite the fact that fans and critics called his Superman reboot grim, violent, and antithetical to the character.

Which got me thinking… how would Zack Snyder reboot other popular franchises?

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